To Blah or To Blog

It's Sunday morning and I am sitting in my living room. The sunlight is filtering in nicely through the blinds and the whole room is awash in soft warm light. And... it's quiet. Relatively speaking. Sunday's in Utah mean that traffic is at a minimum, and on the busy street that I find myself living on, the lack of traffic is a welcome change. My ideal of course would be to live on a street that doesn't have what one would consider traffic, just neighbors.

I love waking up to the sound of birds chattering on the power lines and in the trees. A sound that is often lost or at least diminished by the continual parade of automobiles. There are a lot of birds where I live, and they like to chatter - a lot. It's funny to me how some noises never bother me, while others do. like the sound of birds, or piano. My kids can plunk away on the piano all day (neither of them know how to play) and I never tire of the sound. But I really don't like the sound of cars Hurrrrrruuuurrruuushing past my house. That's the sound they make - minus the doppler effect. And I don't know if it's better or worse that they each sound just a little bit different from each other. The closer it gets to nine am, the closer to the first church session - the more cars there are and the more my peace is shattered - or maybe run over is more accurate.

A few years ago I got an ear infection, and while I had it, it affected my hearing. Some noises and sounds became painful to me, like the sound of wind, a ringing telephone, cars driving by... I used to love the tinkling clink of tags on dog collars, but it was one of the noises I could stop, so I took the dog's collars off and let them run around naked. It's been years - infection's long gone, but for some of the noises the annoyance level remains. Wind doesn't bother me anymore, and telephones, well, it depends on the day... but that's unrelated to hearing... The doggies are still naked, and the traffic still flows... A remarkably loud car just rumbled past - it was a small silver something - must have muffler problems because I heard it coming from a long way off and heard it going for quite a while as well...

And all this.... brings me to the REAL subject of my blog - in a completely unrelated sort of way, and that is, blogging itself. I've been thinking about what to post, and it's primarily been semi-political rants about love and marriage, and for whatever reason, maybe because I wanted this blog to be more about me and what's going on in my life and less about my opinions on whatever... I haven't thought of anything to post. This morning I was thinking up excuses... I've just been so busy, is what they all boiled down to but that's bullshit. The truth is, I just haven't felt like I had anything worthwhile or exciting to say. That I connect exciting to worthwhile is probably a key component to the issue...

...

I took a break for a minute, (I had to go to the bathroom) and took a moment to think about my hideously dull life, and it occurred to me that I may just be in a bit of a rut. In fact, I'm sure of it.

And to make matters worse my reasons are truly pathetic. IMO, there is nothing worse than someone who views their 'not real problems' as problems. It's not that I don't have real problems, I do. But my real problems aren't the ones that I lay awake in angst about. My real problems are the ones that make me want to go to sleep and have someone wake me when they are over. Hmmm... these two issues fighting it out is probably why I've been having so many sleep problems lately.

I thought briefly about sharing my truly pathetic "not real problems" but then shame stepped in, shaking it's finger at me as if to say, 'you don't want to do that.' And Shame is right, I don't. I just want to stop being so pathetic. It's annoying. Almost as annoying as all the freaking cars driving by my house... another problem I feel helpless to change... See, there's that pathetic-ness... It's worse when I write it, and yet I feel so justified as I think it. So victimized... it's sickening isn't it?

The truth is, lot's of good things are happening in my life, just not the exact ones I want to have happen - and worse yet they're not happening in miraculous and impossible ways like I seem to want them to happen. Oh the HUMANITY!!!!!!

But the sun is out, and Spring is well on it's way, and that gives me some hope, because I know that the blahs I've been feeling are never quite as powerful when the sun is shining and the birds are singing... and Mary Poppins is blowing around somewhere in the jet-stream with her magic carpet-bag and her pointy shoes...



-Laur