F-ing Irony

Today, I am experiencing nervousness - big time. I haven't experienced nervousness this strongly since before I overcame my fear of flying. It's different than anxiety - at least for me, but then, I do anxiety differently than most, maybe this is just a new aspect of it - I don't know. But I do know that I don't like it very much. It's very stressful. Paralyzing at times. Of course there is then that adrenaline and endorphin rush that kick in and I push on through the fear and..... I think there's a book on this subject.... I haven't read it.

I'm sure it all links back to my deep-seeded fear of rejection - stupid neurosis. The thing I've realized is, it's not the rejection that I fear. Rejection is just a difference of opinion really. My fear stems from the vulnerability from the potential of what I feel are unwarranted reprisals. Which winds it's way back to rejection in the end - cruel rejection. Reject me, fine. Reject me and then be a jerk about it - not cool.

I'm not innocent. I have bad-mouthed people, expressing my opinion of what I believe to be their faults, sometimes i even use colorful and creative adjectives. I know why I do this too. I do it because I feel that I have been wronged or hurt in some way. (Whether or not anyone would agree that it's justified or not is probably moot.) So then I have to ask myself, when these cruel acts arise, what offense did I commit so heinous that they felt the need for that kind of reprisal?

Now, I know that sometimes it really is the other person - bigotry happens, sadly. And so does misinformation, and assumption, and narrow mindedness, and fear. People are afraid of some really strange things, like skin tone, different opinions, things they don't understand, boobs, and even love and commitment, and sometimes this causes them to behave in irrational and illogical ways.

And maybe that's all I've been encountering, but maybe it's not. I put it out there to some people I know I could trust to tell me if I was offending in someway. Call me old fashioned, but I only like to be an asshole when it's on purpose. Then, a couple of weeks ago I was confronted by my sister who was so upset by my behaviour that she was actually angry with me.

I searched my memory banks in order to identify my error - nothing. Shit, I knew it, it's exactly what I feared, I have been being an asshole when it wasn't on purpose. I readied myself for the criticism and told her not to go easy on me. Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, but it can also set you free... hmmm, the truth is a lot like a dentists drill in that way.... But lest I digress...

She started with the build up... you are a really awesome person - or something to that effect - I'm paraphrasing and summarizing (for length...oops, my bad). Then she hit me with it: and sometimes, you don't show that side - it's like you put on this false front and you don't let people see the real you.

I am reserved because I don't want to offend and it is my reservations that are offensive.

F-ing irony.

I'm glad she called me out. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it yet, but I know it's what I do. I get nervous, and I get quiet. I don't think it helps that I am at heart an observer and I love to watch people interact with each other - this also causes quiet, and while it may be a convenient excuse, it doesn't change facts.

So here's what I'm going to do... I'm going to publish this. Normally, I wouldn't I would just write it and file it. And I know that this is a step in the right direction, because I'm terrified.

-Laur